A bientôt, Paris. Hello, London.
As I sit on the Eurostar next to Chippy and G-Funk, watching the French countryside dotted with windmills and steeples (sadly, no vineyards – at least, not from this vantage point), I find myself attempting to process the last 18 days. What did I take from this experience? Verb conjugations? Oui. A deepened appreciation of good food? Oui. A reaffirmed belief that wine can make every day a wee bit better – and a wee bit tipsier? Oui. But what else? In my mind, those few things don’t embody my Parisian adventure. I don’t travel to cross things off a checklist. Some people do. Go up Eiffel Tower. See the Mona Lisa. Eat a crêpe. Perhaps for some there is great joy in that checkmark – whether it’s physical or purely mental. And you know what? That’s okay. In this month of thinking about leisure and happiness, I’ve realized that what makes me happy doesn’t necessarily float someone else’s boat. Maybe we need to think of our happiness as bodies of water – each with its own level of salinity. You’re the Pacific Ocean and he’s Lake Michigan and I’m the Dead Sea. What floats here is dead weight there.
And that’s okay. I have to keep telling myself that. And that, too, is okay.
I think travel is the best teacher. While I’d like to fancy myself a great educator, I know that what one would learn in those fleeting moments with me is a pittance to what one could learn out THERE. Sights and conversations, architecture and music, art and observations – that’s the real teacher. So, what exactly have I learned throughout this brief dalliance with the French? If I had to sum it up in a catchy mantra-like phrase that is sure to rock my world moving forward, it would be this: BE MORE FRENCH.
What exactly do I mean by that? In a sense, it means to slow down. It’s inevitable that I will feel rushed when I resume normal life. It happens. But what I appreciate most about Paris is people’s apparent ability to simply enjoy. Does stress exist here? Of course. Do people make to do lists? Sure. But, despite that, they don’t look bogged down here. If you’ve ever been on a New York subway in the midst of a workday, you know exactly what stress looks like. Hell, I’ve even had total strangers tell me, “Come on. Smile. It’s not that bad.” A stroll around Paris in on a Tuesday afternoon looks – and feels – different. It’s happier.
How do I recreate that little bit of Paris in my corner of Brooklyn? Since I’ve been trained to break down a big idea (Be More French!) into more manageable standards and measurable objectives, here goes:
1. Talk. And listen. No doubt that the Musée Rodin and the Église Saint-Eustace are stunningly beautiful places, but my favorite site in Paris was the people – more specifically, people eating. Of course, I adore food, which may prove to be a glaring bias in this observation, but it was a scene to behold if nothing else. It was downright cinematic. Never have I seen so many groups of people simultaneously engaged – I mean, really, truly, enthusiastically engaged – in conversation. It’s as if every noun, every preposition, every dramatic pause was a Ladurée macaroon and they were quickly devoured by waiting and eager diners. Not to say that my conversations with my friends and family are lacking pizzazz, but I just don’t think I’m as active as a participant as my French counterparts. So, to become a French conversationalist, I commit to the following:
1.1 Mirror. I have a horrible memory. It’s true. I’ve forgotten to call on birthdays. I forgot that my family took a trip to Disneyworld a few years ago. I even missed a dear friend’s wedding because I apparently forgot the nuptial date and bought plane tickets for the wrong weekend. Mirroring what I hear, though (i.e. “ It sounds like you’re frustrated because you explained…”), can mitigate my memory lapses by making sure I’m truly listening. Furthermore, it validates the thoughts of the speaker, thus strengthening our connection – whether that’s friendly, romantic, or somewhere in between.
1.2 Ask questions. I confess: I’m insecure (Aren’t we all to some extent?) and I don’t like admitting I don’t know something – often to the point of being bullheaded and (though I’d never say so at the time) wrong. I smile and nod in response to “You know what I mean?” when half the time I really don’t. Why the hell do I do that??? Lame. I need to open myself up – via the art of conversation – to what I don’t know. Plus, as an extra added bonus I’ll be fulfilling Be More French standard #3, listed below.
1.3 Reach out every day. It’s both a blessing and a curse that many of the people I love live around the world, from Milwaukee to Mumbai, LA to London, Phoenix to Frankfurt. (Okay, I don’t actually know anyone in Frankfurt. But I couldn’t think of another f-sounding place.) On the plus side – I have a place to stay when I travel. On the downside, I don’t see them often… and I’m total shit at staying in touch. Phone conversations get pushed off to do more mundane tasks – laundry, grading papers, finding cat hair sculptures in the corners thanks to Rufus’ never ending follicle growth – and then so much time has gone past that I think I need a half a day to catch up with someone. Reaching out, though, doesn’t have to take long. One idea that I really liked from The Happiness Project is to stop putting off things that would take less than a minute, no matter the task. And, let’s be honest, how long does it take to write a quick email? Let’s find out:
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo!!! I can’t believe I’m going to be in London and you won’t be there. Qué triste. I’ll be reminiscing – and therefore laughing – as I wander around aimlessly without your insider guidance. Clearly your job should send you to NY soon… Can I pretend to be a wealthy art collector who needs your personal assistance??? Miss you oodles, my dear.
Abrazitos,
The other Joey Joe
That took 37 seconds.
2. Be worldly. When 20 minutes under the English Channel completely changes the language, the culture, the politics, the news, the celebrities, the food, LIFE, you have no other choice than to be multilingual and multicultural. Should I speak French to you? No? Let me switch to English. Still no? Oh – you’re German. Let’s switch to that. That seems like such a monumental and extraordinary characteristic at home (“Wow. She must be brilliant. She speaks four languages!!!”), but here it is what it is. For many, it’s simply how you get around. We’re geographically isolated and thus enveloped in a thick American cushion. We lose certain sensibilities and insights. Well, maybe we haven’t lost them – they weren’t there to begin with – but is it up to us to learn them?
2.1 Keep taking French classes. Will I ever be fluent? Probably not. But maybe I’ll find myself in France again – or Africa or the Caribbean – and I’ll probably want to chat with someone. Besides, I simply like language classes. Some people go gaga over golf, others – comic books or needlepoint. Me? Flashcards with vocabulary.
2.2 Read INTERNATIONAL news every day. While my morning routine usually involves nytimes.com and huffingtonpost.com, I often adhere to familiar geographical areas (New York, Milwaukee, Latin America) – at the exclusion of, oh – I don’t know, THE REST OF THE WORLD.
2.3 Learn a new Spanish vocabulary word every day. While my current paycheck comes from what I’ve already picked up along the ruta, by no means will I be employed by the Real Academia Española any time soon. Language continually evolves – I should try and catch up.
3. Learn something new every day. It would be easy to stick to my comfort zone – Romance languages – in my quest to become more French. Yet, I imagine that in order to be a great French conversationalist (like the French appear to be), I need to be at least conversant in things that go beyond my area of expertise. As much as I could talk about the placement of direct object pronouns or the need for more high-performing charter schools, I understand that not everyone (including my closest friends/family members) may not.
3.1 Ask questions. Refer back to 1.2.
3.2 Read. Again, the key to success here is to step outside of my carefully constructed box. Instead of bypassing the business section of the Times, spend a few minutes to read an article. Why not??? What do I have to lose? One of my friends, Holley, randomly received a subscription to Field and Stream as a joke. But instead of simply laughing and tossing the monthly journal into the recycling bin, she actually reads the articles and now posts highly amusing updates about tackle boxes and fly fishing on Facebook. I mean, this is a girl who lives in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Unless they’re wearing it to be ironic, hunting orange and camouflage are completely foreign to her neighbors… but I bet Holley can engage them all in a chat about the differences between large and small-mouthed bass. Cheers to you, Holley, for being so French.
3.3 Take a class. Introductory jewelry making? Knife skills? Excel for excelphobes? Beginning S&M? (Ha.) One of the great joys of living in New York is that there are experts on everything – why not learn from the pros?
4. Take time to vacate. Most of Paris shuts down on Sundays. Well – not quite. Let me rephrase: Most of Paris’ businesses shut down on Sundays but its citizens are as alive as ever. The parks and canal shores overflow with picnic blankets dotted with wine bottles. Marais buzzes with laughter over coffee. And then August comes along and many businesses completely shut down. For an entire month. With a simple sign on the door that says “We’ll be reopening on August 27th after vacation!” Can you imagine that in the US??? Never! We don’t take vacation (whether it’s one day a week or an entire month) that seriously. Why not? Could there be a direct link to our skyrocketing stress levels?
I think the relationship between the words “vacation” and “vacate” is an interesting one, especially within the American context. The etymology of the two words is clearly linked, but “vacation,” of course, has a very positive connotation whereas the verb “vacate” is usually negative. Vacate the premises. Vacate the country. Well, forget that. I’m reclaiming “vacate” as a positive action. Vacate the stresses of the day. Vacate worries. As Eckhart Tolle explains, vacate the constant chatter of our mind to discover our true self and, subsequently, joy, love, and peace.
4.1 Eat slower. I love food. Making it, eating it, alone, with friends, on a date, at Thanksgiving, at home, in the park, in a fancy restaurant, Indian, French, Midwestern casseroles… I love it all. It’s an experience. So why the hell do I eat so quickly??? The few times that I really do slow down – what’s that spice? What herbs are in this? How was this cooked? Can I have a bite of yours? – I find that I’m relaxed. I’ve vacated. There’s no reason I can’t recreate that even if my meal is eaten at my desk and out of Tupperware.
4.2 Walk slower. This is going to be doubly hard. First of all, my height means I walk faster than most. Secondly, I’ve grown accustomed to New York walking which is roughly equivalent to Olympic speed walking but in less sensible shoes. Nevertheless, upon arriving to Paris I was surprised that I blew past everyone, my head down and my destination firmly planted in my mind. What did I miss in doing that? Well, what DIDN’T I miss? There was this precious, historic urban scene unfolding around me and I was looking at cobblestones. I missed the music, the actors, the backdrop… but I got to my ending point two minutes quicker. So what???? Did I get a prize? Nope. What else am I missing in my normal life by not allowing myself to vacate my mind as I walk down the street? Do I really need to race to the grocery store? The drycleaner? The subway? No! Especially considering those three things are within a one block radius of my apartment. I need to use that time to look around and appreciate the life happening HERE and NOW.
4.3 Run. Clearly, this is an ironic resolution to follow “Walk Slower,” so perhaps I should distinguish the two as “Walk Slower to a Destination” and “Run to a Vacation.” As I’ve become more of a runner over the past year, I’ve realized that uncomplicated thought and peaceful moments are surprisingly easy to achieve somewhere after the first couple miles. Maybe that marathon training program I’ve been looking at is an assured way to a little bit of daily vacation…
4.4 Shut down. In other words, RELAX. I’m really bad at it. I don’t know how to sit and DO NOTHING. Give me a massage (hint hint) and you’ll soon realize it’s true. My body and its many knots are a vessel for feeling overwhelmed, feeling bad, feeling stressed. For my own health, it has to stop. It’s time to have a conversation with my mind that looks something like this:
Joe: Hi, mind. You must be pretty tired today.
Mind: Go water the plants.
Joe: Wouldn’t it make sense to do that right before we shower since
we have to hook the hose up to the showerhead? Let’s just sit.
Mind: Check your work email.
Joe: It’s 9:00. Nothing dire has happened since you last checked at 6:00. Why don’t we lie on the couch and read? Or watch Modern Family? Or play the piano? Or you know what? We can just lie there and not do anything.
Mind: Not okay.
Joe: Definitely okay. We need to vacate. End of story.
So, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. My (very verbose) resolution to be more French. Will it be easy to stick to these? No. Habits die hard, and I’ve spent 30 years shaping myself into someone who feels like he constantly has to be in motion. Stillness, though, is perhaps the greater goal – one which I hope I can attain by adhering to these simple aims. And I invite you (whoever you are) to hold me accountable. Ask me what I learned today. Ask me how I plan on vacating today. Ask me what I’m reading. But be forewarned: I’ll be sure to return the question (It is part of the Be More French plan, after all) so you better be reaching for your beret and your baguette and have a good answer ready. I’ll be listening.
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